Significant
Other's FAQ
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Discovering that your partner is a crossdresser is not the end of the world.
Yet, if you are just finding this out for the first time you are probably
deciding whether or not to accept this part of his/her personality. You
may even feel betrayed because you shared your deepest secrets and trust
with him/her, but he/she hid this secret from you. But regardless of all
this they are the same person you cared enough about to commit to a relationship
with, only your understanding of the situation has changed. |
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| My
Significant Other is transgendered, what should I do? - |
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The very first thing to remember is that you are not alone, many other
people have gone through what you are going through right now. As advice
goes this may sound overly simplistic, however because of the perceived
social stigma that may be associated with the common stereotypes regarding
such behavior, transgenderism is not generally a topic one can discuss
openly with friends, family or co-workers as you might with other relationship
issues. Being cut off from such normal sources for advice and support is
not easy, often leaves one feeling like an outcast, and can breed a sense
of isolation and loneliness, as well as shame, guilt, and a host of other
ills. |
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Keeping these feelings bottled up inside is not healty, and can most certainly
be distructive to the otherwise loving and happy relationship you have
shared with your significant other. Support groups are one answer, counceling
is another, the point is to find someone who will understand and listen
to your perspective. Someone you can talk to. |
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| Why
should I go to counseling, isn’t he/she the one who needs to be cured?
- |
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Transgenderism is not typically something that has a "cure" either psychologically
or physically. Many who cross-dress have sought out professional help in
trying to change their behavior at one time or another in their lives,
yet are rarely successful despite a sincere desire to change. While cross-dressing
may fill a wide range of complex psychological needs, it is not simply
a sexual fetish, nor is it generally an expression of sexual dysfunction,
or homosexuality, even though these are common stereotypes often mistakenly
associated with transgendered behavior. |
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Yet, the fact that there is not a "cure" for transgenderism certainly is
not meant to imply that the transgendered person in your life might not
benefit from personal therapy. Most TG's do generally find such therapy
helpful in coping with their own self-acceptance issues, however because
it is an issue that is not going to just go away, as a partner in this
relationship you too are going to have to find a way to cope with it regardless
of whether or not you choose to remain in the relationship. |
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Some of the more common personal issues significant others with transgendered
partners often face are: |
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| Guilt
By Association - Many partners are often
concerned over possible social repercussions should their significant other's
transgendered behavior be discovered by others outside the relationship.
Will we lose our friends if they find out? Will the family lose their home?
In certain cases such fear may even be justified, however this is not generally
the case. But when one is already feeling isolated by fear of being ridiculed
or ostracized for being a partner in such a relationship this is not an
unreasonable reaction. However, just because it is not unreasonable does
not mean it is healthy. |
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| Self-Esteem
Issues - "What have I done wrong? What
is wrong with me?" It is not uncommon for some partners react to their
significant other's transgendered activities out of their own lack of self-esteem,
transfering the "guilt" about such behavior to themselves. A heterosexual
partner may experience feelings of inadequacy and competition, where as
a homosexual partner may experience feelings of rejection, both for and
by the cross-dresser. |
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| Confusion
About Sexual Orientation - Statisticly
cross-dressers are no more gay or straight than the non-cross-dressing
segment of the population. However, living with a transgendered partner
can also cause the non-transgendered significant other to begin to question
their own sexuality. Here they are in a relationship with a person that
desires (at least on occasion) to appear and be treated as the opposite
sex & may even want to engage in sex while crossdressed. For a some
partners it may simply be a question of "Am I straight or gay?", others
may worry that the transgendered partner will leave them a partner who
has a different sexual orientation. |
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| Loss
Of Intimacy - Cross-dressing can be a
narcissistic, selfish behavior. A transgendered significant other may often
become so engrossed in their own activities that they begin to neglect
their partner 's needs in the relationship, thus leaving that partner feeling
neglected which can soon lead to resentment and problems in the relationship. |
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The bottom line is that it is okay to feel angry, disgusted, or even sad,
those are natural emotions to feel. It is not okay to feel guilty, unworthy,
or ashamed. You have done nothing to justify such feelings, and you don't
have to deal with them alone. |
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| Does
this mean our relationship is over? - |
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Most serious relationships usually don’t end strictly because one person
is a cross-dresser. Typically, if someone is ending a committed relationship
because their significant other is a CD there were likely many other problems
and cross-dressing has just pushed it over the edge. However if your spouse
is transsexual, this often does end a relationship, although in some situations
the couple may be able to preserve their commitment and feelings for one
another by adapting the nature of their pairing into a strong friendship,
sisterly, or brotherly type bonding. |
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Lack of communication is the most commonly cited reason for ending any
serious relationship, and the subject of a significant other's transgenderism
can be an especially difficult one for either partner to talk openly about.
A competent marriage counselor can often help to facilitate such communication
in the relationship and perhaps help prevent one partner from coercing
the other either by trying to force the acceptance, or cessation, of cross-dressing.
Neither of such extremes is typically healthy and counseling can help both
sides to find the "win-win" compromise that will permit the partners to
continue a meaningful and loving relationship. |
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| How
have others coped with this issue in their relationships? - |
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Typically reactions to, and acceptance of, a significant other's trangendered
nature generally falls into one of four categories: |
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| Total
Rejection - When the significant other
absolutely cannot accept the transgendered behavior of their partner they
may take the position that "If you really love me, you will stop". In such
a case the non-transgendered partner demands that such behavior cease,
and may even attempt to coerce the cross-dresser to give up such activities
under the threat of separation or even public exposure. However, because
cross-dressing is not something that someone can just quit like a bad habit
despite their best intentions to do so, such complete rejection generally
creates an impossible situation for the cross-dresser and results in the
eventual dissolution of the relationship. |
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| Partial
Rejection - For the partner who is distressed
over their significant other's transgendered activities ,but remains committed
to salvaging the relationship they may acknowledge their partners need
to cross-dress as long as they do not have to deal directly with it themselves.
"You can do it, but I don't want to know about it" may characterize this
type of reaction. Often this may appear an attractive solution at first,
but it is ultimately not a very stable situation, while the problem may
appear resolved any stress in the relationship can bring it back to the
fore. If the couple remains at this stage, no longer discussing the behavior,
resentment and discontent between partners often results in additional
stress which can end the relationship. Yet if the couple is able to maintain
a dialog on the subject, and explore the subject in a non-hostile manner,
it can be a first step towards understanding and possible acceptance. |
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| Partial
Acceptance - Partial acceptance generally
occurs when the non-transgendered partner recognizes that while the cross-dressing
behavior may be unusual, it is generally harmless, as long as it is indulged
discreetly. Good communication between partners in the relationship is
as always the key. This type of initial acceptance, or at least willingness
to learn and understand, can often be misinterpreted by the transgendered
partner as total acceptance. Thus attempts by the transgendered significant
other to involve their partner more intimately in their activities may
be met with resistance which may be perceived as a personal rejection when
it may actually be just a rejection of the shared activity. Likewise, given
some acceptance of their activities the transgendered partner may sometimes
lose sight of their significant other's relationship needs. However, if
both partners can maintain open communication, along with the willingness
to compromise when needed, this can be the basis for a continuing successful
and happy relationship. |
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| Total
Acceptance - Generally this type of acceptance
comes from a partner with knowledge about transgenderism which may have
been gained from other personal experiences outside of the the relationship,
or who sincerely believes that people should be entitled to express themselves
in any non-destructive manner. Such a partner may even realize that many
of the good qualities of the cross-dresser are due to the person's transgendered
nature. In this type of relationship the couple often does not feel constrained
by typical definitions of masculinity and femininity. With rare cases,
a heterosexual couple may even reverse the stereotypical male and female
roles within the relationship, for example the male may become the domestic
partner and the female the breadwinner. And in some homosexual relationships,
the transgendered partner might adopt the visible, public role of "husband"
or "wife", thus giving the outward appearance that the relationship
is a heterosexual one. |
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Communication is the key, whether the issue is transgenderism or any other,
a willingness to talk about it is always of positive benefit to the future
of the relationship. |
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| Why
didn't he/she tell me before now? I feel like i have been lied to - |
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The issue of the "secret" kept from you may be difficult to resolve, and
many partners can sometimes feel a life long hurt about this. However,
one should keep in mind that while some are "discovered", most cross-dressers
do tell their significant other about the dressing sooner or later. Keeping
this secret from you was most likely never meant to hurt you, perhaps even
quite the opposite. Telling someone that you care for deeply about something
you fear may hurt them, or cause them to reject you, is not an easy choice.
Waiting for the right opportunity to talk about it is something that may
never arrive. |
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Most transgendered people, both male and female, heterosexual and homosexual,
do want to have a meaningful and loving relationship with another person.
Some may even believe that marriage or a similar committed relationship
will enable them to stop cross-dressing, although this is rarely the case.
Fearing that discovery will result in total rejection, and not wanting
to chance being rejected by their lovers, the cross-dresser is faced with
a dilemma; should the behavior be revealed, or should it be concealed?
On the positive side for disclosure is openness and honesty in the relationship.
On the negative side is the relationship's possible dissolution. |
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| How
do I find a support group? - |
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While some researchers have found that the most effective Significant Other
Support groups are those that are independent of the transgender groups,
many transgender support groups have auxiliary groups for partners or significant
others. Such groups often have different activities which are oriented
towards seperate, as well as couples, discussion forums. These groups can
often be of benefit to both partners in the relationship, helping each
find support and acceptance both together as a couple as well as individually. |
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Information about groups in a specific regional area may be found in the
Resources
area of this site. |
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Forums
Contributions
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While all of our site is open to your contributions and suggestions, the
forums area in particular depends upon them. If this area is to become
the source for information and support that we know it can be, then it
is all of our transgendered sisters & brothers that will make it so.
Your input might be just what someone else needed! If you have something
to share here E-mail us: TGE@tg2tg.org |
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