Sexual
Orientation Confusion
Sexual
Orientation Confusion Among Spouses of Transvestites and Transsexual
Following Disclosure of Spouse's Gender Dysphoria
|
***
| Sallie
Hunt, M.A., MFCC Private Practice Adjunct Faculty California State University,
Fresno Fresno City College |
***
| Terri
L. Main, M.A., MFCC Intern Kings River Community College |
***
***
|
Wives of transsexuals and transvestites typically experience surprise,
shock and confusion upon discovery of the husband's gender dysphoria. This
pheonomenological study of four women (two wives of transvestites and two
wives of transsexuals) was developed to explore the extent, if any, of
sexual orientation confusion experienced by the nontranssexual spouse.
The hypothesis that sexual orientation confusion in the wives followed
disclosure of the husband's crossgendered behavior was confirmed amoung
wives of the transvestites. However, this was not true of the wives of
the transsexuals. |
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| Sexual
Orientation Confusion Among Spouses of Transvestites and Transsexuals Following
Disclosure of the Spouse's Gender Dysphoria - |
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|
Discovering that one's husband is a transvestite or transsexual typically
results in surprise, shock and confusion in the wife. (Bullough and Weinberg,
1988) This is not surprising considering that most marriage relationships
are built around explicitly or implicitly defined gender roles. Crossdressing
blurs those distinctions causing confusion in many areas of life. |
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|
One type of confusion the authors have seen in clinical settings has been
a confusion in the nontransgendered spouse concerning sexual orientation.
If the husband is not playing the culturally defined masculine role in
lovemaking, indeed if he is looking and acting like a woman, does that
make the relationship a quasi-lesbian one? This presents a challenge to
the wife's sense of identity since gender and sexuality are core components
of identity. Confusion about either presents a person with a significant
identity crisis. |
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|
Therefore, the authors set out to test the hypothesis that sexual orientation
confusion, as indicated by the subjective report of the subjects, does
occur in wives of heterosexual transvestites and transsexuals following
discovery of the transvestism or transsexualism. |
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|
The existing literature on spouses of transvestites is limited and literature
on spouses of transsexuals is virtually nonexistent. Two major studies
by Bullough and Weinberg (1988a & 1988b) discussed stigma management
(1988b) , alienation and self- image (1988a). Factors related to wives
remaining with their crossdressing husbands were discussed as well as frequency
and nature of sexual intercourse. Feinbloom (1976) speculated that women
who stay with crossdressing husbands may enjoy lesbian fantasies, but this
was not developed, nor was specific evidence presented to confirm this
speculation. Woodhouse (1985) emphasizes difficulties women face who decide
to stay married to transvestites, but nothing is mentioned about sexual
orientation. The same is true of Docter's (1988) study of women married
to transsexuals. His study lists several concerns of wives and even discusses
marital sex but nothing is said about sexual orientation confusion other
than a quote by one of his subjects who said (p.181) "...it makes me feel
like I am having sex with a woman and that makes me sick." Stoller (1967)
presents the theory that the wife contributes to the development and maintenance
of the transvestism. He describes the wives as seeking power and control
over men. |
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|
One should note that all the studies above only describe women married
to transvestites. None discuss wives of transsexuals. In fact, a literature
search found no current studies related to transsexualism and marriage
other than marriages following gender reorientation. This may reflect the
outdated assumption that transsexuals have no heterosexual experiences.
It may also reflect the belief that all marriages to transsexuals will
lead to the nontranssexual spouse abandoning the marriage. Nevertheless,
the spouse's needs whether he or she leaves the transsexual have been largely
ignored. |
***
|
Other materials exist related to the area of gender dysphoric spouses published
by organizations which promote tolerance of transvestism and transsexualism.
However, these tend to be anecdotal in nature and written primarily to
persuade spouses to be more accepting of transgendered behaviors. Therefore,
because of their biased nature and unscientific approach, the authors did
not include them in this review. |
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***
|
The authors of this study chose a phenomenological approach to the subject.
Rudestam and Newton (1992) define phenomenology like this: "phenomenological
inquiry attempts to describe and elucidate the meanings of human experience.
More than other forms of inquiry, phenomenology attempts to get beneath
how people describe their experience to the structures that underlie consciousness." |
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|
The phenomenological approach is especially useful in studying an emerging
research field. Lack of previous research, as we find in studies of spouses
of transsexuals, or limited previous research as in the case of spouses
of transvestites, creates a situation which makes traditional quantitative
methods of research difficult. In such cases the researcher is not so much
looking for answers, as she or he is looking for information on which to
base the questions for future research. As Polinkinghorne (1991, p.112)
observed qualitative methods, such as phenomenological inquiry are particularly
useful in the "generation of categories for understanding human phenomena
and the investigation of the interpretation and meaning that people give
to events they experience." |
***
|
The design of this study is one which the authors hope will produce those
"categories for understanding" the life experience of the wives of transsexuals
and transvestites as regards their clarification of their own sexual orientation
when faced with the transgendered behavior of their husbands. |
***
|
For this study, the authors chose four subjects known to the authors through
previous therapy or peer counseling experience. The subjects were interviewed
by the authors using a questionnaire containing 40 open-ended questions.
The interviewer followed the questionnaire but also asked clarifying questions
when unsure of the meaning of the answer or when the answer needed expansion
for understanding. |
***
|
The data was analyzed in the following manner. Each author read all four
interviews independently. She then marked sections which seemed relevant
to the research questions. The authors then considered as significant material
which met one of the following criteria: |
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| 1.
Material marked by both readers. |
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| 2.
Material which was substantially similar
to material found in at least three interviews. |
***
3.
Material which was substantially similar
only within one of the research subgroups (i.e. material only found in
wives of
||||transvestites
but not in wives of transsexuals or vice versa). |
***
|
Sexual orientation confusion was operationally defined as the subject questioning
her heterosexuality and evidenced by statements found within the text of
the interview and identified as such by both readers through an independent
reading of the text. Such statements concerning sexual orientation confusion
were only considered significant if they related to feelings and questions
the subject experienced following disclosure by the transgendered spouse. |
***
***
| Subject
1: Judy is 35 years old. She is caucasian
and has completed two years of college. She is an artist and is currently
working as a framer for a large store. She has no children and was married
only once. She has been separated from her husband for a year and a half.
The divorce is not final at this time. She was married to her transvestite
husband for four years. In addition she was dating and living with him
for five years previous to getting married. She is currently dating heterosexually
although she says she would be open to a lesbian relationship with the
right woman. |
***
| Subject
2: Gail is 48 years old. She is caucasian
and has two years of college. She is a store manager and has been such
for several years. She had one child, a boy 18 years old. She was married
only once. She has been separated for approximately two years. She was
married to her transvestite spouse for 20 years. She is currently living
and dating as a lesbian. She expects future relationships to be with a
woman. |
***
| Subject
3: Carol is 36 years old. She is caucasian.
She has a Bachelors degree and is completing work on her MBA. She works
in computer graphics and computer networking. She has no children. She
has no previous marriages. She has been married to her transsexual spouse
for ten years. She expects to remain married to him. |
***
| Subject
4: Debra is 38 years old. She is caucasian.
She has a Bachelors of Science in Elementary Education. She is currently
a full time mother to her two children Mark, 8, and Jennifer,10. Another
child, Shannon, is deceased. She has been married 15 years. She is uncertain
as to whether she will stay with her transsexual husband. She hopes to
be able to, however several issues in the marriage would have to be resolved
for her to do so. She was interviewed on the same day as her husband underwent
sex reassignment surgery. |
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|
(Note: In the interests of confidentiality the names of spouses and children
have been changed.) |
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The most striking result of this study is the fact that the hypothesis
was confirmed as regards the wives of the transvestites. Each wife reported
some sexual orientation confusion following disclosure of the spouse's
transvestism. However,the authors found no sexual orientation confusion
among the spouses of transsexuals, using this phenomenological method.
Neither reported significant confusion regarding sexual orientation. |
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|
Another distinction between the transsexual and transvestite spouses relates
to the presence of sexual trauma in their personal histories. Sexual trauma
was present in both spouses of transvestites. It was not present in spouses
of transsexuals. |
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The transvestites were described in terms of being "macho" and overtly
masculine. The transsexuals were not described in this manner. Indeed,
the transsexuals were presented as being androgynous. |
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All four subjects reported unpleasant memories of menarch and puberty.
Three of the four were not prepared at all for the event and experienced
some trauma as a result. |
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Three out of four subjects reported a distant or absent father. The two
spouses of transvestites reported serious dislike of the father figures
in their lives. One of the spouses of transsexuals reported that her father
was absent a lot on business. However, her memories of him when he was
around are positive. |
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|
All four subjects reported a late onset of sexual activity. The spouses
of transsexuals were in their twenties while the transvestite spouses had
first sexual encounters in late adolescence. In addition all four subjects
reported a lack of excitement over their first sexual experiences. |
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|
The wives of the transsexuals were told of their husbands' transsexualism
before they discovered it. The wives of the transvestites discovered their
spouses' crossdressing first and disclosure only came with confrontation. |
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|
Three out of four subjects reported being tomboys or being interested in
"masculine" activities during childhood. However, none of the subjects
reported any gender identity confusion or desire to be male. |
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***
|
Perhaps the most significant finding of this study relates to the differing
experiences between spouses of transsexuals and transvestites. The hypothesis
that sexual orientation confusion resulted from the disclosure of crossdressing
was confirmed for wives of transvestites. However, it was not in the case
of transsexuals' wives. If anything the husbands' transsexualism clarified
the heterosexuality of the wife. For instance, when Carol was asked if
she experienced any sexual orientation confusion during her marriage she
said: |
***
|
There was this one time. She...he...I was taking sort of a male role and
he the female role. And at the time..it was..well it was exciting for him
and at the time it was exciting for me too. And that made me wonder if
I might be Bisexual. But later on it didn't do anything for me. Shaved
legs and French perfume are not a turn on for me. My husband IS a turn
on. Sometimes we'll watch a movie or TV show where there's some real macho
guy and then I go to bed and...shaved legs and French perfume don't do
anything for me. |
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|
Compare this with Judy's response to the same question: |
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|
Yes, especially toward the last, the latter portion of...I believe it was
because he at that point wanted to assume more of the woman's role and
just, as a mental balance, for me, I, probably started taking on the male
role, because that's how we're brought up.... And he had us going out to
lesbian bars quite a bit and when you're out there,in the middle of it,
it doesn't seem so foreign...the marriage was failing, uh, and I had been
engaged three times before...Uh I began to think that maybe men were not
what I was supposed to be with. There is also some evidence that both wives
of transvestites may have had latent lesbian tendencies as far back as
high school. Judy remembers a girl in high school who was "very very attractive."
She had feelings toward the girl which were "different than I had for most
everyone else." Judy dismissed the attraction as being her reaction as
an artist to the girl's physical beauty. Gail reported no specific attraction
to any particular girl, however her early memories of dating and heterosexual
activities were unenthusiastic. When asked about pleasurable memories of
dating she said, "I don't really know if I had any pleasurable dating things."
So, both women had at least ambiguous feelings about heterosexual dating.
Perhaps, the discovery of the spouse's crossdressing triggered these latent
feelings. It may be that the crossdressing didn't result in sexual orientation
confusion as much as it resulted in clarification. |
***
|
Another possible explanation, which begins with the assumption that the
wives carried some sexual orientation confusion into the marriage, stems
from Stoller's (1967) theory that wives use the husband's transsexualism
as a means of obtaining power and control. If the woman feels the stirring
of uncomfortable feelings, she may seek to mask those feelings by exercising
power through controlling the husband's crossdressing through demands for
its discontinuance or by setting limits on its expression. When such attempts
fail, the woman is then forced to face her own repressed homosexuality. |
***
|
A third possible explanation is that women who are confused about their
sexual orientations are attracted to gender confused men. The main flaw
in this theory lies in the fact that the wives of transsexuals did not
experience sexual orientation confusion. Certainly, transsexuals must be
viewed as being more gender-conflicted than transvestites since transvestites
usually have gender identities congruent with their physical sex whereas
transsexuals do not. |
***
|
One reason that transvestism is more likely to stimulate confusion in the
spouse than transsexualism may lie, in the fact that transvestism involves
greater ambiguity than transsexualism. There is more ambiguity for several
reasons. The transvestite self- identifies as male even while crossdressed,
the transvestic experience is varied from fetishistic attachment to a single
item of clothing to complete crossdressing, and there is little structure
to the transvestite's development of self whereas the transsexual's transition
is fairly predictable. The transsexual experience is simply that of a male
becoming female. Transsexualism recognizes two rather distinct genders.
Transvestism does not. One can speculate that this ambiguity in the transvestite
can stimulate a similar sense of ambiguity in the spouse. |
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|
One serendipitous finding of our study found that wives of transvestites
typically had a much more traumatic life prior to marriage than did the
wives of transsexuals. This raises the possibility of developmental issues
which are different between the subgroups. The childhoods of the spouses
of transsexuals in our study were found to be relatively uneventful. The
spouses of the transvestites saw their fathers as mentally or physically
abusive. Both of the wives of transvestites had been sexually assaulted
one as a child and the other as a young adult. Further research on developmental
factors in the spouse's lives might lead to a better understanding of differences
between the two subgroups. |
***
|
One clinical implication of all this is that wives of transsexuals must
be treated differently than those of transvestites. Some wives of transsexuals
have been advised to join support groups for transvestites. This is rarely
helpful since the issues are significantly different. Likewise, models
of therapy or even stages of adaptation such as is found in Burlough and
Weinberg (1988b) designed around spouses of transvestites are probably
inappropriate for use with wives of transsexuals. |
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|
Another serendipitous finding which is common to both groups having been
found in three out of four of the interviews relates to a perceived self-centeredness
seen in the transgendered person by the partner. The wives described themselves
as feeling abandoned, left out, not needed or simply being used. Again
though, there has to be a distinction drawn between the transsexual and
transvestite experience. The self- centeredness in transsexualism can be
seen as proceeding from the pain of being transsexual and from the complexity
of the process of gender reorientation. That self- centeredness tends to
diminish as the transsexual develops his or her new identity. The emergence
of the transsexual's identity makes him or her better able to reach out
to others including the spouse. Carol credits counseling with helping her
husband and her become more concerned about each others needs. |
***
|
It was essentially laid on the line like 'what are you going to do just
keep Carol with you until everything works out say thank you very much
and ditch her?' So that made her realize that you have a choice in life
and that you're not out of control. |
***
|
Carol describes how with her husband's emergence of self, which includes
his feminine identity, that self-centeredness has diminished. |
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|
In contrast, transvestite spouses often relate a growing absorption in
the crossdressing to the point that the wife becomes secondary to the dressing
itself. Often, the transvestite is seeking narcissistic mirroring of his
crossdressing abilities. The wife becomes that mirror. The demands can
escalate as in the case of Lisa where by the end of the marriage the husband
was demanding that when initiating lovemaking Lisa wear an apparatus holding
a rubber form of the male genitalia and mount him while he was dressed. |
***
|
A clinical implication of this difference might lie in the concept of emergence
of self. The transsexual is on a journey of self actualization. She literally
brings a hidden self into existence. If the transvestite were also to view
the transvestism as a process of self-discovery and self-actualization
there would be less need of mirroring from the spouse and therefore some
of the self-centeredness could diminish. |
***
***
|
Obviously, this is a very limited study. As a preliminary study of the
field, it was intended to provide direction for future research rather
than to find definitive answers to the question posed. Thus, the study
was limited in several ways. These limitations must be addressed in future
studies. |
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|
First, the study was limited by it's small sample size. Secondly, the study
was limited by the homogeneity of the sample. All four women were of about
the same age, ethnic background, and educational level. Future studies
should include a more diverse sample. Thirdly, this study is limited by
the fact that it included only wives of crossdressers and transsexuals.
Future studies might also include live-in sexual partners who are not legally
married as well as husbands of female crossdressers and transsexuals. Fourth,
the study was limited by the qualitative nature of the research design.
This design allowed maximum flexibility to explore many diverse issues
with the subjects. However, it also elicits data which is difficult to
analyse in a manner which addresses issues of reliability and validity.
Fifth, the study was limited by the fact that the subjects were all personally
known to the authors. Familiarity with the personal history of the subjects
made objective questioning difficult. Finally, the study did not include
a control group of women not married to gender-cionflicted men. Future
studies should include such a control group to help validate the findings. |
***
| Implications
for Future Research - |
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|
As stated earlier, this study was done more to generate questions than
to provide definitive answers. Several avenues of future research suggest
themselves based on the findings of this study. First, would be to replicate
the study with more subjects and a greater diversity of subjects. How do
younger women respond compared to older women? Do subjects taken from clinical
samples differ from others such as samples drawn from TV social groups?
Are there cultural differences? Do better educated women fare better than
less well educated women? Is counseling a factor in reducing confusion?
What about husbands of female crossdressers and transsexuals? What special
issues do men have to face which are different than women? What role does
homophobia play in a husband's reaction to the wife's crossgendered behavior? |
***
|
A second consideration for future research would be to refine the methodology.
While the authors believe that open-ended questions provide for the best
understanding of subjective experience on the part of the spouse, better
coding and analysis methods could be devised. In addition, some aspects
of the study could be conducted in a more quantitative manner using close-ended
questions. Semantic differential scales for brief notation of subjective
experience could be used in conjunction with open ended questions for clarification
of the rating the subject gave on the scale. |
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|
A third area of research suggested by the study is the differences between
the experiences of the wives'of transvestites versus those of wives of
transsexuals. Do different developmental issues prevail among one subgroup?
Is the finding of sexual orientation clarification in the case of the wives
of transsexuals as opposed to sexual orientation confusion among wives
of transvestites consistent? If so, what factors account for this difference?
What other differences exist between the subgroups which may be important
clinically? What can be done to create a model of treatment for spouses
of transsexuals which does not draw on that existent for transvestite spouses? |
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|
A fourth consideration is the significance of androgyny in the marital
roles and in each partner as a predictor of success in adapting to a spouse's
transgendered status. Our research suggested that the transvestites tended
to be more locked into rigid sexual stereotypes while the transsexuals
were more androgynous. If this is borne out by future research it may provide
an explanation why spouses of transsexuals experience less confusion about
their sexual orientation than those of crossdressers. |
***
|
The wives of transsexuals in this study seemed to demonstrate more integration
of self prior to the marriage. Would this be a consistent finding? Is it
this basic self awareness that helped these women avoid confusion over
their sexual orientation? Burlough and Weinberg (1988) found that women
with high measures of self-esteem were better able to accept their husbands'
transvestism. Would this also be true of transsexuals? |
***
|
Finally, a family systems approach to this field seems to provide some
exciting possibilities. How does the declaration of one's transgendered
status change the system? When the homeostasis is threatened, does the
system break down or does another person in the system assume the role
previously played by the transgendered member of the family? Is individual
therapy sufficient or is a family therapy approach more effective? |
***
|
Certainly this field offers many research possibilities. Such research
is needed, not simply to satisfy scientific curiosity, but also to aid
the clinician. When a transvestite or transsexual comes for therapy there
is a body of literature from which to formulate treatment approaches. Such
is not the case for the clinician treating a spouse or providing family
therapy. Research in the areas mentioned above would provide some of the
foundation for effective clinical treatment. |
***
***
Bullough,
V. and Weinberg, T. (1988). Alienation,
self-image and the importance of support groups for wives of transvestites.
Journal of Sex Research, 24: 262-268.
***
Bullough, V and Weinberg, T (1988).
Women married to transvestites: Problems and adjustments. Journal of Psychology
and Human Sexuality, 1:83-104.
***
Docter, R. (1988).
Transvestites and Transsexuals: Toward a Theory of Cross-gender Behavior.
New York: Plenum Press.
***
Feinbloom, D.
(1976). Transvestites and Transsexuals. New York: Delacorte Press.
***
Polkinhorne, D.
(1991). Two conflicting calls for methodological reform. Counseling Psychologist,
19: 103-114.
***
Rudestam, K. and Newton, R.
(1992). Surviving Your Dissertation. Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications.
***
Stoller, R.
(1967) Transvestites' women. Psychiatry, 124: 333-339.
***
Woodhouse, A.
(1985). Forgotten women: Transvestism and marriage. Women's Studies International
Forum, 8: 583-592. |
***
| Appendix
A: Spouse Questionairre - |
***
Demographics:
1.Age?
2.Ethnicity?
3.Occupation?
4.Education, High School?
5.Education, College (Number of years)? Degree(s)?
6.Children, Boys?
7.Children, Girls?
8.Number of Marriages?
9.Length of time married to the transvestite/transsexual spouse?
Childhood and Adolescence:
10.What are your earliest memories of childhood?
11.What are your memories of your mother? A. Favorite memories B. Distressful
memories
12.What are your memories of your father? A. Favorite memories B. Distressful
memories
13.What are your memories of school experiences? A. Favorite memories A.
Distressful memories
14.What are your memories of your peers A. Favorite memories B. Distressful
memories
15.What are your memories of childhood and adolescent activities? A. Favorite
memories B. Distressful memories
16.What are your memories of Menarche and Puberty? A. Favorite memories
B. Distressful memories
17.What are your memories of relationships with female friends? A. Favorite
memories B. Distressful memories
18.What are your memories of relationships with male friends? A. Favorite
memories B. Distressful memories
19.What are your memories of dating rituals? A. Favorite memories B. Distressful
memories
Adolescent Sexual Experience:
20.Did you masturbate?
21.What were your feelings about any masturbation experiences?
22.What were your memories of your first sexual experience? A. Pleasurable
memories B. Distressful memories
Spousal Attraction:
23.Tell me about how you met your spouse. (Where,
when, under what circumstances, etc)
24.What character traits attracted you to him?
25.What were the elements of distress in your relationship, other than
gender issues?
26.Tell me about how you discovered your spouse's crossdressing/transsexualism?
27.What was your first emotional response?
28.How did your emotional response evolve over time?
29.(If crossdressing was discovered before transsexualism was disclosed)
When did you discover this crossdressing reflected
|||||transsexualism?
How did this change your emotional response?
30.Where are you now in your relationship?
31.Do you believe this relationship might break up?(If still married)
32.What might cause you to break up? Sexual Orientation and Gender Confusion
33.Have you ever experienced confusion about your sexual orientation --
such as in childhood or adolescence?
34.Have you ever experiences any confusion over your gender identity --
such as in childhood or adolescence?
35.Did you experience any sexual orientation confusion during your marriage?
36.Did you experience any sexual orientation confusion at the time of separation?
Where are you now?
37.Are you comfortable with your sexuality?
38.Are you uncomfortable with your sexual orientation?
39.What do you expect from future relationships? Will you be involved with
another crossdresser? Why? Why not?
40.One final question: Is there anything you would like to tell me about
your relationship with your spouse which you believe is
|||||important
which we haven't covered in this survey? |
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